A Life in Crackers

Food (or the lack thereof) has probably shaped the history of this planet more than anything else. There's war, of course, but what would war be without the human need to consume calories. Most of this history goes untold, despite every public school child's exposure to The First Thanksgiving and The Potato Famine. Today, though, I'm thinking on a smaller scale. Personal histories have their food chapters, too.

I suppose I could recount my life in chocolate (chocolate peanut butter balls made by mom, Easter Cadbury Creme Eggs, the countless milkshakes I blended for pay in high school, flourless chocolate cake, Christmas truffles).

I could give you a history of my life in beer (sips sneaked from my dad's Bud, a few too many Michelob Lites around age 20, Pale Ale revelation in grad school, the 2005 legalization of soupy Belgian beers in North Carolina).

And there are so many other possibilities: meat (didn't like it, liked it, vegetarian, not vegetarian); coffee (lots of milk and sugar, weak with skim milk, strong with creamer, latte, skim latte, double espresso); cereal (Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios, Chex, Frosted Mini-Wheats, Grape-Nuts loaded with sugar, Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, granola, oatmeal, Grape-Nuts with no sugar).

But today, a life in crackers:

*sweet-tasting crackers gummed down in the early years
*peanut butter sandwiched between two Saltines
*Mt. View cafeteria: two packets of Saltines per child...crush, tear, and sprinkle into chicken noodle soup
*after school Ritz crackers with cream cheese
*late night snack of Saltines and butter
*fish crackers doled out to after-school day care kids
*stomach flu: saltines and ginger ale
*party cheese balls: blue cheese rolled in walnuts; neon-colored port wine cheese; cream cheese with green onions, Worcestershire sauce, and a dash of tobasco
*every Christmas: triscuits loaded with crab dip and fist fulls of an oh-so-addictive oyster cracker and ranch seasoning snack
*high school lunch: "Cheese on Wheat" Lance snacks and a can of apple-grape juice
*in Joyner Dorm: breakfasts of graham crackers and coffee, lunches of microwaved triscuits and cheddar
*in a sudden jump of refinement: water crackers and brie
*parties: wine, cheese, and cracker samplers
*a hard fall for Whole Foods' crostini with aged gouda in graduate school

Of late, crackers have sort of retreated from their once essential position. In this post no-knead bread world, I've been spreading my Camembert on hunks of the stuff, and dipping end-pieces into my soups.

Well, this life in crackers has a new chapter:
*February, 2007: homemade icebox crackers

Now, you might be thinking, why would anyone make crackers? Aren't there plenty of perfectly good crackers out there? Doesn't this life in crackers itself not only testify to their ubiquity, but suggest that a well-stocked grocery store can satisfy every cracker need? I might have once conceded these points. But now that I have experienced the crunchy, cheesy, salty perfection that is these crackers, a Cheez-it just won't do.

These crackers trump all party nibbles to date. Spiced nuts, olives, chips and salsa...I'll pass. Should you ever find yourself with a glass of sparkling wine in one hand, one of these crackers should be in the other. And you needn't even set your glass down to manage the cheese tray. The cheese is in the cracker. And, believe you me, these crackers are cheesy. Rich, but not greasy. Festive, but not fancy. And easy, easy, easy to make. If you've made ice-box cookies, you know what I mean.

You just pulse up the ingredients in a food processor, roll the mixture into a log, wrap it up, stash it in the fridge. Then, when you want some tasty crackers, slice the log into rounds. Bake. And munch.



There are many possible variations on these flavors. Ms. Stewart's book also showcases a Gruyere and thyme cracker. I'd like to try something with lots of cracked black pepper, but I haven't decided what sort of cheese would work best. Suggestions welcome!

Parmesan Rosemary Crackers
makes 20 crackers, adapted from Martha Stewart's Hors d'Oeuvres Handbook

3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon coarse salt
1/4 teaspoon fresh ground pepper
2 teaspoons finely chopped fresh rosemary, plus 20 full leaves for decoration
3 tablespoons chilled unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
1 cup (2 1/2 ounces) finely grated Parmesan cheese
5 tablespoons sour cream
1 egg white, lightly beaten

1.Pulse flour, salt, pepper, and rosemary in the bowl of a food processor to combine. Add butter and pulse until mixture resembles coarse meal. Add cheese and pulse to combine.Add 1 tablespoon of sour cream at a time, pulsing after each addition, until a well-combined dough comes together.

2.Transfer dough to a work surface and shape into a 2-inch-diameter-wide log. Wrap with plastic wrap and refrigerate over night.

3. Heat oven to 325 degrees F. Slice log into 1/4-inch slices and place them on a parchment- or silpat-lined baking sheet. Dip a rosemary leaf in egg white, and place in the center of each cracker. Bake immediately, rotating sheet once, until crackers are golden brown, 25-35 minutes. Transfer to a rack to cool. Crackers can be made a day ahead and kept in an airtight container at room temperature.

Spicy Cheddar Crackers
makes 20 crackers, adapted from Martha Stewart's Hors d'Oeuvres Handbook

1 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons yellow cornmeal
1 1/4 teaspoons coarse salt
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
pinch of nutmeg
2 tablespoons chilled unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
1 cup (2 1/2 ounces) finely grated cheddar cheese
1/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon milk


1. Pulse flour, cornmeal, salt, cayenne, and nutmeg in bowl of a food processor until combined. Add butter and pulse until mixture looks like coarse meal. Add cheese, and pulse. With machine running, add milk until dough comes together and is well combined.

2. Follow steps 2 and 3 for Parmesan Rosemary Crackers.